Certainty

I have more or less decided that anything I write should be a narrative from my personal experience rather than some kind of philosophical exposition.  We will see how that goes because I still need to link this discussion of dogma to one or more of my numerous memories.  There are benefits to being somewhat old, especially when the mind continues to be active and inquisitive.  My heart overflows.

When I was growing up I found myself straddling two different worlds, as embodied by my perception of the difference between my mother and my father.  I have always found it interesting how often couples have compatible zodiac signs, which I think now is likely to be related to the way that the signs of the zodiac are structured.  But that analysis is for another time when I have run out of all other topics to discuss.  My mother was a Gemini and my father is a Leo - compatible signs that may not say anything about how they aligned with each other.

It is in the nature of a mother to have a warm supportive relationship with her children, just as it is in the nature of a father to have expectations and ambitions for his children.  That was how I saw things then.  Since then, my parental perceptions have been confused and washed away in the flood of reality, both by seeing the full arc of the story for my parents and also by the personal experience of being a parent.  Regardless, when I was leaving high school to go to college I was caught up in the romance of the polarity I saw between my parents: the workings of the spirit versus the unyielding edifice of logic and science.  I was actively seeking a synthesis.

Scientific certainty has an unsatisfactory definition: a probability of 95%.  There is a lot of necessary discussion and qualification around that definition.  The point is that science is always acutely aware of the margin of uncertainty - the margin of error. 

In recent years I sometimes have structured "visions".  They are always clearly marked as such in my mind.  I do not confuse my visions with actual reality any more than I confuse my dreams with reality (except in the moments before dawn).  I have often woken up to great relief with the realization that the evaporating dream never happened and never could happen.  The struggle is real.  There has been plenty of events in my life that I regret.  Still, I seem to have escaped the worst consequences - as much as anything due to aggressive persistence  or maybe merely passive endurance.

I have arrived at this point in my life horribly mutilated: physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Two days ago I found an avocado in the refrigerator in a similar condition yet when I cut it open the flesh was green and unblemished.  If only all avocados could age so well.  If only it might turn out that I have aged equally as well - all set to be turned into a delectable guacamole for the benefit of all people everywhere.  To erase all suffering.

The Pieta captures a mother's pain, just as depictions of Christ on the Cross capture unimaginable personal pain.  I have a wide streak of graveyard humor yet I do not whistle as I pass these images.  They superimpose themselves on various moments in my life.  I see them when I read about the life of Darwin, who was possibly the original prototype for the "absent-minded professor".  I have visions of Dr. Darwin holding his daughter Annie's body in his arms when the "Water Cure" failed to help her.  Some think that she died of TB (the cause of 25% of all deaths at that time). Meanwhile, the crucifix is a graphic depiction of one aspect of the process of Natural Selection, one recognition of humanity submitting to the will of God yet triumphing over decay and death.

This synthesis is real.  The experience is real but it is not science with its requirement for a (qualified) 95% or better certainty.  This is where religion and science can never agree.  We can all agree on the basic condition of this vale of tears based on our individual direct experience.  Science, however, will always consider that the experience is "all in our heads".  Jesus on the cross, Mary on the cross, Darwin on the cross, parents on the cross, lovers on the cross...  By contrast science does draw back a corner of the curtain.  It does allow us to see an unfolding cosmic pattern that is not entirely of this world.